WinoDoble'!

Hello Dance Drinkers and welcome to our second DWTS dancing-extravaganza!

Our sustenance for the evening was quite gourmet--onion dip, Ruffles, cheese and bread. We must say, we've stumbled upon the IDEAL onion dip recipe.
One packet of Lipton's Onion Soup mix + 1 tub of New Hampshire Sour Cream. (It MUST be these two brands in order to achieve greatness.) **Warning** You will down the entire tub in about 20 minutes if you don't pace yourself.

Along with our fine cuisine, our wine choices were:



Placido Pinot Grigio 2009
Price: $8.99
Location: Fremont Market

Once again, we've found a wine that tastes like absolutely NOTHING! There was one little hit of citrus and that was it. Another good choice for dinner parties with that one friend that drinks wine with ice cubes.

Our other choice was:



Ironstone Obsession Symphony 2009
Price: $9.99
Location: Fremont Market (Hey, it's close and it's cheap. Sue us.)

Now this had a POW after the first dud of a wine. Don't ask us what kind of wine 'Symphony' is as we have no idea, but it definitely had punch and was slightly sweet. We also do not recommend pairing with Tylonol PM unless you want to miss the whole show after being knocked out for three weeks.

ONTO THE DANCERS!!!!

Being that we missed some of last week's show, this was our first glimpse of Petra's Hottie McHotHot dance partner Dmitry.

Meow. He can go ahead and leave his shirt off for the remainder of the show, thanks.

The first few dancers left us a little cold, except for dear Kendra, who had a crying fit about how she "doesn't feel pretty" and is a "tomboy."

Just a reminder of what Kendra looks like in case you forgot:

We totally get where she's coming from. We know that after our boob jobs, nose jobs, hair extensions, and covers of Playboy, we didn't feel pretty either. So happy she's finally discovering her inner woman. Ahem.

Anyone else see the LOVE connection between Mark and the blond Disney girl who's name we can't remember?

Love those tights.

Wrestler No-Neck came back from the bottom and actually had a decent dance! Good for you buddy!

We had a moment of clarity when our boy-crush Romeo claimed he had been born in the 90s. A quick Google search assured us that we are NOT, in fact, creepy and that he is much older than 18. Whew.

Good lord. We're also happy that Carrie Ann INNNNNNNNNNABA also seems to have an inappropriate crush on him. We're not alone!

Kirstie did well again, although we couldn't really see her feet in that dress. Also, MAKS IN A TUX ALERT!!!!!!! WEEE!!!
(We realize this is slowing become "Randy Winos" rather than "Snarky Winos," but can you blame us?!)

Finally, we have our personal favorite, Ralph. Did you catch that his son's name is Daniel?? Precious!!

Did anyone else think the judges were unnecessarily harsh on him? Maybe because he was so great in Week 1, but we still think he did great.

And now we bring you "The Weird Judges' Commentary of the Night!"

What is the deal with Len's ongoing use of the word "Chesticles?" Is that even appropriate for PG TV?

Bruno is a fountain of great quotes, but our favorite had to be "It's like Marcel Marceau desperately seeking Lolita in A Clockwork Orange." Say what?



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We're sorry. How does your mind even go there??

Until next time!

Dancing With the Winos

Hello Reality Lovers!

Join us on our first adventure into a new reality tv show (for us anyway)...Dancing with the Stars!



Since this is a new show, try to bear with us as we try to be as snarky as possible, all while enjoying the amazing cover songs done by the Dancing with the Stars house band. (eyeroll)

We were a little late joining in on this dance party, as we were partaking in grilled cheese and Pilsners over at the Rubicon. Yummy yummy. Unfortunately, we missed the nameless blond who opened the show, but apparently she's some Disney girl? We're guessing we didn't miss much.

Wine of the evening: Monkey Bay Sauvignon Blanc

Price: $8.99, on sale from $11.99
Location: Fremont Market on N Street, that is neither a) on Fermont or b) an actual market. Discuss.

This was good! Very bright fruit and vanilla notes. Although we thought the bottle was a little small. That might have been the prior beers talking though.

So let's move on to our new pedophile crush, Not-so-Lil Romeo! We're waiting for Chris Hansen from To Catch A Predator to bust down our door any minute.

How adorable is he?? We think he's probably going to end up going really far, once he gets over the embarrassment of being on this show. He seemed to be fine with the crotch thrusts. We're just sayin.
Also, shout out to Chelsie, who's a graduate of our OTHER most favorite dance show: So You Think You Can Dance!

(Remember delicious Marc from her season? He's a dancer for Lady Gaga now.)

Anyhoo, our next favorite of the evening was Mr. Karate Kid himself--Ralph Macchio!!

Can you believe he's 50? 50 years old? And he can KICK. And DANCE. And KICK. He's 50. 50 years old.



There was also an unfortunate wrestler man with the also most unfortunately dressed Cheryl Burke:


Eek. Pleather meets pearls meets please, no more.

And finally, we have Kirstie Alley and Maks. Now, Linz has a bit of a crush on our Russian friend, but as she says "You'd only have sex with him once. He's a jerk."

Now, we may have been floored that Daniel-son was 50, but Kirstie is 60?!?! What?!?! Her face looks great, although she looks like "she's eaten a lot of lemons." But, gotta give her props for aging so well. But check out her hands. The hands look old!

Anyway, she was a pretty good dancer! Good for her! Although we both commented simultaneously "....I don't think he'll be doing any lifts."
Maybe in a few weeks? But Maks did slap her ass repeatedly. That little fox.

And now it's time for "The Weird Judges' Commentary of the Night!"

First off, we have the "Italian" judge Bruno referring to a dance as a 'stonking' good time. What the hell is stonking?
According to Google, we have:
1) Verb: Bombard with concentrated artillery fire.
2) Adjective: very sexually attractive (usually of girl)
3) Adjective: said of something that is good, or exceptional.

We're going to guess he meant 1.

Also, Carrie Ann Inaba said that someone had 'wanky' dance moves. (As opposed to wonky?). We really hope no one had wanky dance moves. Unless it was Lil Romeo, in which case....carry on, carry on sir!

Bachelor Finale!!!!

Hello Bachelor Fanatics and welcome to our finale post!

To be honest, we were very nervous about this evening's episode, but luckily, our prayers were answered. More on that later!

Tonight we were joined by our very special guests: Alice and Dinah!

Don't look too thrilled to be here, ladies.

We started off with the cutest wine we've ever seen:

Middle Sister Drama Queen Pinot Grigio
Price:$10.99
Location: Raley's/Bel Air

This was a surprisingly light, refreshing wine. Lots of flavor (grapefruit), but a clear finish. It went very well with our food choice of the evening. Maui Zowie pizza from Round Table!

We HIGHLY recommend this pizza. So yummy! But apparently the name "Lindsay" is a tricky one for the folks over at Round Table. We didn't realize it was such an uncommon name:

Wethinks spelling is not a requirement for getting hired there?

Anyway, prior to the Bachelor, we were indulging in our other favorite guilty pleasure....Dr. Phil!! We wonder what he would have to say about our weekly wine fest? Probably not endorsed by the Philster.

On to the Bachelor!

Hi Brad's Family. In particular, "hellllooooooo nurse" to Brad's twin Chad. If they are identical twins, why is Chad so much hotter?!

If he wasn't married, he would have been a nice consolation prize for Chantal.

Which brings us to poor Chantal. She left the show as she had spent most of it: sad and crying.


Maybe she's crying for the poor bird that had to get plucked to make that ugly dress.

Even Snarky Winos have a heart, and we felt bad for the girl. Although on "After the Rose" she claimed to have found a new man in her life. (Not sure why she then kept trying to get Brad to admit he has/had feelings for her...)

Time for Wine #2!!

Honey Mood Viognier
Price: $4.99
Location: Trader Joe's

This wine was great! Peach, honeysuckle, floral, but not too overpowering.
"Have you ever eating a honeysuckle? How do you know it tastes like that?!"
True, but none the less, honeysuckle notes. :)

The winos let out a CHEER when we realized that Emily was the chosen one, but before we could cry our eyes out over her, we watched a commercial that made us cry even harder.

Tears. Lots of tears.
We'll just pretend he adopted that purebred Persian kitten from a shelter.
Moving on.

Emily looked amaaaaaazing in her white dress which screamed BRIDE!!!

(Oh, hey Chris Harrison! Where have you been all episode?)

The proposal was sweet, she said yes (obviously), they kissed, the winos bawled their eyes out.
As if we didn't love Emily already, she did reference "Debbie Downer" earlier on, so that sealed the deal for us and Brad.

Let's cross our fingers for a happy ending here! Although the Bachelor's stats are like 1 for 8, we'll still hope for the best.

Next week brings us...Dancing with the Stars? Hmm. We're not sold on that one yet, but we will give it a shot.
Until then...bottles up!

Behind the Wino aka "On the Wings of Wine"

Welcome to the second best episode in the Bachelor world...Behind the Rose with all the rejected women! Woo!

We're getting close to the end here, so we're moving up in the wine sphere and going upscale!

We start off with some Chardonnay:



Trader Joe's Reserve Chardonnay
Price: $9.99
Location: Trader Joe's on Folsom Blvd with the worst parking lot in the history of the world.

They describe it as: "Shades of sweet pear, citrus and passion fruit with toasted almond and honey on the finish."

Our take? Lemony butter and smells like guava. "Would go well with shark head nachos." (If you get that reference, you're made of win). Neither one of us are usually fans of Chard (too much butter, even for butter lovahs), but this was good!

Our food choice with this particular vino? BALLS! Rice, cheese balls to be exact:



These were worth almost getting hit in the parking lot. WAY good.

Now, on to the important stuff....the bachelorettes. Or ex-bachelorettes. Or bitter bachelorettes. Pick your choice.

We can't go on without talking about the ridiculousness that is Michelle. "30" year old Michelle. "I'm not fake, but possibly an actress" Michelle.



This was Sarah's reaction to her 10 minute crocodile tears schpeel:



Lies, lies, lies and more lies? We thought Chris was being awfully nice to her....a little TOO nice. Something's going on there!
Maybe she was just auditioning for Bachelor Pad 2? In which case, we're in. Maybe she'll get another black eye. That would be awful.

We both think Ashley looked pretty good with her new dark look. And FINALLY admitted that it was her fault for screwing things up with Brad! THANK YOU.



That's really an unfortunate picture of her, come to think of it.

Now it's on to wine #2!



Robert Hall Orange Moscato 2009
Price: $12.99
Location: Raleys. "Or Bel Air? Aren't they the same thing?"

DELICIOUS!!! Orange sugar water. Yum yum yummy.
It went surprisingly well with our pizza choice, which was:



I think the direct quote on this was "This pizza is f*cking awesome." We think they should put that on the box.

It was about this time that we copyrighted our official Bachelor drinking game!®

What's that? "How do you play??" you ask?

Well, grab yourself a bottle of wine and a few red roses and take a drink every time:

1) A bachelorette says "I'm here for the right reasons."
2) A bachelorette says "I'm really falling/have feelings for Brad."
3) A helicopter shows up on a fantasy date
4) Brad says "Come here to me."

You'll be done with your first bottle by 8:45. (We were.)

The show ended with an ADORABLE clip of Chris and Brad dancing with South African school children. Oh. Em. Gee. Cuteness overload. They also played a bloopers reel in which....Brad actually had a personality? And was funny? Even charming? Where has this been the whole show?! Bizarre.

Well, next week is our finale! If Emily doesn't win, you can find us crying in my half basement apartment. Come by and say hi.

P.S. We also need a new show to recap after next week! Is Dancing with the Stars any good?