Classical Winos!

Welcome to Classical Night on DWTS! Now, being that the Winos are not cultured enough to know the names of these classical pieces, we will instead give you the pop culture reference that they bring to mind.

Before we begin, let's start with our first wine of the evening:



Rodney Strong Sauvignon Blanc
Price: $8.99
Location: Bel Air

First off, Rodney would make a great name for a cat. This wine was a little 'meh,' but easy to drink and went well with our dinner.

Chicken Serenada from Trader Joe's and artichokes with hollandaise sauce.




The chicken was delish, as was the sauce--I mean, the artichokes. It was about this time that we wondered what poor soul was the first one to try and eat an artichoke. Did they try to eat the whole thing? How did they discover the heart??

Anyhoo, moving on to our classical pieces, we start off with Romeo's Paso Doble to the tune of Debeer's Jewelry commercial:


Sourpuss Kendra (who should be going home tonight), managed to butcher her dance as well as her 'mafia' ensemble. Did she get "Viennese" confused with "Venice" and think mafia attire was appropriate? Her dance was to the tune of Shawshank Redemption's prison scene:


Sugar Ray and his partner's awful awful dress (Disney Princess meets cupcake?) danced to something from the Nutcracker. We both believe the Fantasia flowers and mushrooms did it better:

(Doesn't that make you want to watch the movie again? LOVE the scene with the centaurs!!!)

Next was beautiful, skinny, perfect Petra and her dance to what we think was once in a Chips Ahoy commercial? That has yet to be verified.

Ralph and his amazingness did a routine to Romeo & Juliet...we couldn't come up with a reference for this one. But, we're sure Sarah's mother was sobbing during this performance.



Wine #2:



Loredona Riesling
Price: $8.99
Location: Bel Air

Our verdict?
Lindsay: I'm getting pear and vanilla....(picks up bottle and reads label)....No wait, peach and honeydew!
Sarah: Goes well with cookies.

Yes, our dessert happened to be chocolate chip cookies.

Is that a challenge? (We did consume, and survived. Nestle's a bunch of liars.)

Next up was Hines, didn't know his song either, but yowza her dress was HOT! And he was really good.

Then we had Chelsea, who danced to the Harry Potter theme. We were a tad slow to catch on...
S: Oh, he's a wizard!
L: Oh. And she's a wizard slut!
(These two are totally hooking up, right?)

Wrestler dude was rocking a porn stache and dancing to the Hershey's Kisses song. And holy tan-o-rexics!!

Finally, Kirstie and her shoe danced to what sounded like Bertolli's Frozen Dinners?

What did we learn here this evening?
Lindsay and Sarah watch too much TV.

Xoxo!

Winos Take One for the Blog.

Hello and Welcome to our first blog of Spring!

It came just in time. Being pasty AND a wino is bad news all around.

You must forgive us for our lack of enthusiasm for this particular blog. "Sunday Funday" was a little TOO fun, due to a overly friendly bartender.

Let's just say it involved this:

Enough said.

So, as dedicated bloggers, we felt the need to you (our 5 readers) to force ourselves to drink our designated two bottles of wine.

We started off with

Redwood Creek Sauvignon Blanc
Price: $5.99
Location: Fremont Market (we've by now made friends with the nice fellas that run this joint)

And....eek! This was very sharp to start off with, but we decided to blame that on our hangover. It got better with glass two. Not to be outdone, Grover P managed to squeeze his fat butt in the photo.

Our dancing celebrities started off the evening with what is probably the worst cover in the history of the world -- Last Night a DJ Saved my Life. Yikes!
It was about this time that we were sidetracked from Wendy's subpar dancing skills and turned our attention to the two floatation devices stuck to her chest and argued as to what letter of the alphabet she is rocking. G? F? XXX?

Turns out it is a very normal 36 DD. Which we find hard to believe.

Anyone else notice that every dancer, regardless of skill or performance, is getting a standing ovation? Those kind of lose their meaning when both Wendy and say...Ralph are getting the same reaction from the audience.

Our boyfriend Romeo performed his rumba to the Jackson 5. Like we needed another reason to love him.

Apparently the dress code for the ladies this evening was bikini plus chiffon coverups? Beach couture at it's finest.

Onto our next wine of the evening

Veramonte Sauvignon Blanc
Price: $10.99
Location: You guessed it! Fremont Market.

Did we mention this evening's cuisine was brought to you by Capitol Dawg? YUM! Can't go wrong with hot dogs.
This wine smelled fruity, like tart apples, but the taste was....ok. You can find better whites for cheaper.

Can we mention again how gorgeous Dmitry is?

Ooh la la! We know we can only say that so many times, but really.

Oh Maks, are you okay?!

We'll soothe your wounds. Don't worry.

This is Team Ralph Macchio signing off.
Until next time! Lay off the Sunday Funday!!!

WinoDoble'!

Hello Dance Drinkers and welcome to our second DWTS dancing-extravaganza!

Our sustenance for the evening was quite gourmet--onion dip, Ruffles, cheese and bread. We must say, we've stumbled upon the IDEAL onion dip recipe.
One packet of Lipton's Onion Soup mix + 1 tub of New Hampshire Sour Cream. (It MUST be these two brands in order to achieve greatness.) **Warning** You will down the entire tub in about 20 minutes if you don't pace yourself.

Along with our fine cuisine, our wine choices were:



Placido Pinot Grigio 2009
Price: $8.99
Location: Fremont Market

Once again, we've found a wine that tastes like absolutely NOTHING! There was one little hit of citrus and that was it. Another good choice for dinner parties with that one friend that drinks wine with ice cubes.

Our other choice was:



Ironstone Obsession Symphony 2009
Price: $9.99
Location: Fremont Market (Hey, it's close and it's cheap. Sue us.)

Now this had a POW after the first dud of a wine. Don't ask us what kind of wine 'Symphony' is as we have no idea, but it definitely had punch and was slightly sweet. We also do not recommend pairing with Tylonol PM unless you want to miss the whole show after being knocked out for three weeks.

ONTO THE DANCERS!!!!

Being that we missed some of last week's show, this was our first glimpse of Petra's Hottie McHotHot dance partner Dmitry.

Meow. He can go ahead and leave his shirt off for the remainder of the show, thanks.

The first few dancers left us a little cold, except for dear Kendra, who had a crying fit about how she "doesn't feel pretty" and is a "tomboy."

Just a reminder of what Kendra looks like in case you forgot:

We totally get where she's coming from. We know that after our boob jobs, nose jobs, hair extensions, and covers of Playboy, we didn't feel pretty either. So happy she's finally discovering her inner woman. Ahem.

Anyone else see the LOVE connection between Mark and the blond Disney girl who's name we can't remember?

Love those tights.

Wrestler No-Neck came back from the bottom and actually had a decent dance! Good for you buddy!

We had a moment of clarity when our boy-crush Romeo claimed he had been born in the 90s. A quick Google search assured us that we are NOT, in fact, creepy and that he is much older than 18. Whew.

Good lord. We're also happy that Carrie Ann INNNNNNNNNNABA also seems to have an inappropriate crush on him. We're not alone!

Kirstie did well again, although we couldn't really see her feet in that dress. Also, MAKS IN A TUX ALERT!!!!!!! WEEE!!!
(We realize this is slowing become "Randy Winos" rather than "Snarky Winos," but can you blame us?!)

Finally, we have our personal favorite, Ralph. Did you catch that his son's name is Daniel?? Precious!!

Did anyone else think the judges were unnecessarily harsh on him? Maybe because he was so great in Week 1, but we still think he did great.

And now we bring you "The Weird Judges' Commentary of the Night!"

What is the deal with Len's ongoing use of the word "Chesticles?" Is that even appropriate for PG TV?

Bruno is a fountain of great quotes, but our favorite had to be "It's like Marcel Marceau desperately seeking Lolita in A Clockwork Orange." Say what?



+



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We're sorry. How does your mind even go there??

Until next time!

Dancing With the Winos

Hello Reality Lovers!

Join us on our first adventure into a new reality tv show (for us anyway)...Dancing with the Stars!



Since this is a new show, try to bear with us as we try to be as snarky as possible, all while enjoying the amazing cover songs done by the Dancing with the Stars house band. (eyeroll)

We were a little late joining in on this dance party, as we were partaking in grilled cheese and Pilsners over at the Rubicon. Yummy yummy. Unfortunately, we missed the nameless blond who opened the show, but apparently she's some Disney girl? We're guessing we didn't miss much.

Wine of the evening: Monkey Bay Sauvignon Blanc

Price: $8.99, on sale from $11.99
Location: Fremont Market on N Street, that is neither a) on Fermont or b) an actual market. Discuss.

This was good! Very bright fruit and vanilla notes. Although we thought the bottle was a little small. That might have been the prior beers talking though.

So let's move on to our new pedophile crush, Not-so-Lil Romeo! We're waiting for Chris Hansen from To Catch A Predator to bust down our door any minute.

How adorable is he?? We think he's probably going to end up going really far, once he gets over the embarrassment of being on this show. He seemed to be fine with the crotch thrusts. We're just sayin.
Also, shout out to Chelsie, who's a graduate of our OTHER most favorite dance show: So You Think You Can Dance!

(Remember delicious Marc from her season? He's a dancer for Lady Gaga now.)

Anyhoo, our next favorite of the evening was Mr. Karate Kid himself--Ralph Macchio!!

Can you believe he's 50? 50 years old? And he can KICK. And DANCE. And KICK. He's 50. 50 years old.



There was also an unfortunate wrestler man with the also most unfortunately dressed Cheryl Burke:


Eek. Pleather meets pearls meets please, no more.

And finally, we have Kirstie Alley and Maks. Now, Linz has a bit of a crush on our Russian friend, but as she says "You'd only have sex with him once. He's a jerk."

Now, we may have been floored that Daniel-son was 50, but Kirstie is 60?!?! What?!?! Her face looks great, although she looks like "she's eaten a lot of lemons." But, gotta give her props for aging so well. But check out her hands. The hands look old!

Anyway, she was a pretty good dancer! Good for her! Although we both commented simultaneously "....I don't think he'll be doing any lifts."
Maybe in a few weeks? But Maks did slap her ass repeatedly. That little fox.

And now it's time for "The Weird Judges' Commentary of the Night!"

First off, we have the "Italian" judge Bruno referring to a dance as a 'stonking' good time. What the hell is stonking?
According to Google, we have:
1) Verb: Bombard with concentrated artillery fire.
2) Adjective: very sexually attractive (usually of girl)
3) Adjective: said of something that is good, or exceptional.

We're going to guess he meant 1.

Also, Carrie Ann Inaba said that someone had 'wanky' dance moves. (As opposed to wonky?). We really hope no one had wanky dance moves. Unless it was Lil Romeo, in which case....carry on, carry on sir!

Bachelor Finale!!!!

Hello Bachelor Fanatics and welcome to our finale post!

To be honest, we were very nervous about this evening's episode, but luckily, our prayers were answered. More on that later!

Tonight we were joined by our very special guests: Alice and Dinah!

Don't look too thrilled to be here, ladies.

We started off with the cutest wine we've ever seen:

Middle Sister Drama Queen Pinot Grigio
Price:$10.99
Location: Raley's/Bel Air

This was a surprisingly light, refreshing wine. Lots of flavor (grapefruit), but a clear finish. It went very well with our food choice of the evening. Maui Zowie pizza from Round Table!

We HIGHLY recommend this pizza. So yummy! But apparently the name "Lindsay" is a tricky one for the folks over at Round Table. We didn't realize it was such an uncommon name:

Wethinks spelling is not a requirement for getting hired there?

Anyway, prior to the Bachelor, we were indulging in our other favorite guilty pleasure....Dr. Phil!! We wonder what he would have to say about our weekly wine fest? Probably not endorsed by the Philster.

On to the Bachelor!

Hi Brad's Family. In particular, "hellllooooooo nurse" to Brad's twin Chad. If they are identical twins, why is Chad so much hotter?!

If he wasn't married, he would have been a nice consolation prize for Chantal.

Which brings us to poor Chantal. She left the show as she had spent most of it: sad and crying.


Maybe she's crying for the poor bird that had to get plucked to make that ugly dress.

Even Snarky Winos have a heart, and we felt bad for the girl. Although on "After the Rose" she claimed to have found a new man in her life. (Not sure why she then kept trying to get Brad to admit he has/had feelings for her...)

Time for Wine #2!!

Honey Mood Viognier
Price: $4.99
Location: Trader Joe's

This wine was great! Peach, honeysuckle, floral, but not too overpowering.
"Have you ever eating a honeysuckle? How do you know it tastes like that?!"
True, but none the less, honeysuckle notes. :)

The winos let out a CHEER when we realized that Emily was the chosen one, but before we could cry our eyes out over her, we watched a commercial that made us cry even harder.

Tears. Lots of tears.
We'll just pretend he adopted that purebred Persian kitten from a shelter.
Moving on.

Emily looked amaaaaaazing in her white dress which screamed BRIDE!!!

(Oh, hey Chris Harrison! Where have you been all episode?)

The proposal was sweet, she said yes (obviously), they kissed, the winos bawled their eyes out.
As if we didn't love Emily already, she did reference "Debbie Downer" earlier on, so that sealed the deal for us and Brad.

Let's cross our fingers for a happy ending here! Although the Bachelor's stats are like 1 for 8, we'll still hope for the best.

Next week brings us...Dancing with the Stars? Hmm. We're not sold on that one yet, but we will give it a shot.
Until then...bottles up!

Behind the Wino aka "On the Wings of Wine"

Welcome to the second best episode in the Bachelor world...Behind the Rose with all the rejected women! Woo!

We're getting close to the end here, so we're moving up in the wine sphere and going upscale!

We start off with some Chardonnay:



Trader Joe's Reserve Chardonnay
Price: $9.99
Location: Trader Joe's on Folsom Blvd with the worst parking lot in the history of the world.

They describe it as: "Shades of sweet pear, citrus and passion fruit with toasted almond and honey on the finish."

Our take? Lemony butter and smells like guava. "Would go well with shark head nachos." (If you get that reference, you're made of win). Neither one of us are usually fans of Chard (too much butter, even for butter lovahs), but this was good!

Our food choice with this particular vino? BALLS! Rice, cheese balls to be exact:



These were worth almost getting hit in the parking lot. WAY good.

Now, on to the important stuff....the bachelorettes. Or ex-bachelorettes. Or bitter bachelorettes. Pick your choice.

We can't go on without talking about the ridiculousness that is Michelle. "30" year old Michelle. "I'm not fake, but possibly an actress" Michelle.



This was Sarah's reaction to her 10 minute crocodile tears schpeel:



Lies, lies, lies and more lies? We thought Chris was being awfully nice to her....a little TOO nice. Something's going on there!
Maybe she was just auditioning for Bachelor Pad 2? In which case, we're in. Maybe she'll get another black eye. That would be awful.

We both think Ashley looked pretty good with her new dark look. And FINALLY admitted that it was her fault for screwing things up with Brad! THANK YOU.



That's really an unfortunate picture of her, come to think of it.

Now it's on to wine #2!



Robert Hall Orange Moscato 2009
Price: $12.99
Location: Raleys. "Or Bel Air? Aren't they the same thing?"

DELICIOUS!!! Orange sugar water. Yum yum yummy.
It went surprisingly well with our pizza choice, which was:



I think the direct quote on this was "This pizza is f*cking awesome." We think they should put that on the box.

It was about this time that we copyrighted our official Bachelor drinking game!®

What's that? "How do you play??" you ask?

Well, grab yourself a bottle of wine and a few red roses and take a drink every time:

1) A bachelorette says "I'm here for the right reasons."
2) A bachelorette says "I'm really falling/have feelings for Brad."
3) A helicopter shows up on a fantasy date
4) Brad says "Come here to me."

You'll be done with your first bottle by 8:45. (We were.)

The show ended with an ADORABLE clip of Chris and Brad dancing with South African school children. Oh. Em. Gee. Cuteness overload. They also played a bloopers reel in which....Brad actually had a personality? And was funny? Even charming? Where has this been the whole show?! Bizarre.

Well, next week is our finale! If Emily doesn't win, you can find us crying in my half basement apartment. Come by and say hi.

P.S. We also need a new show to recap after next week! Is Dancing with the Stars any good?

And the Wino goes to....

Hello and Happy post Oscar night!

Before we get started on our Bachelor recap, we must give a special shoutout to the original girl crush, Scar Jo:

Really. Just ridiculously beautiful.

And on to the Bachelor!! Final three!!!

We started off this evening with a wine from Chile (we're going around the world along with the Bachelor cast, apparently):



La Playa Sauvignon Blanc
Price: $10.99
Location: Bel Air

According to a website, this wine is "Irresistibly inviting aromas tempt you with notes of fresh cut grass, grapefruit and honeydew. Crisp bright flavors define the wine on the palate with accents of citrus around a core of dry minerality. Zesty acidity leaves you smacking your lips and asking for more!"

Our vote? "Doesn't really taste like anything." "Yeah. Tastes like nothing." Which I guess is good if you don't like the taste of alcohol? (In which case, you're at the wrong blog.)

The meal of choice with this particular wine? Cheese, cheese, bread and jam. The dinner of champions.



So Mii bachelor and his ladies are off to....South Africa!!! We're sure you're with us when we gave a big "Aww!!!" to the baby monkeys, baby elephants, and baby giraffes. Obviously being a baby anything makes you about 10x cuter.

Brad started off with a safari trip with Chantal, which looked pretty amazing! Although, we both thought he looked like a goober with that stupid hat on.

Now, when we think of Chantal, we tend to think of this:



So it was nice to see her smiling for a change. Not so surprisingly, she took Brad up on his 'fantasy suite' offer, which turned out to be....a tree house in the middle of the savannah. Now, as amazing as this is for you camping lovers, we couldn't help but think "What if she has to pee?!" Nothing more romantic than running behind an African bush while Brad looks on. Eek.

Next up, Emily. And a new bottle of wine. Double YAY!



2008 Martin Codax Albariño Rias Baixas
Price: $13.99 (we were going snazzy this evening!)
Location: Selland's

Now THIS was a good wine! Green apple and lemon, with a vanilla finish. It went great with our leftover cupcakes from the Oscar party! (Chocolate and Fun-fetti, for those that are curious).

Lucky Emily was picked up on her date by an elephant, which made her cute cut off shorts look like underwear (we bet Brad was broken up about this):


He's practically crying here.

They had a romantic date and we really like that Brad is actually courting her, since he's aware that she's WAY too good for him. She's way too good for us. What is she even doing on this show?!

Finally, we have Bad Eyebrows Dentist on the most awkward date ever. Uhh, jellybeans? We think Brad made the right choice in sending her home, since all she could muster is that they have a great connection and chemistry. Who cares if we live in the same city? We have carnivals to keep us together!

Although we can't stand her eyebrows, we must give props to Ashley's "slammin' body."



Maybe this photo will keep her warm on those cold, lonely nights that she's studying for her final. Too soon?

We were also happy to see the return of Chris Harrison! Where has he been this whole season? This is the easiest job ever. Just show up in all these random, exotic locations and say "Ladies, this is the final rose this evening."
Can we get this job??

Next week: Behind the Rose: The Return of Crazy Michelle.

We'll leave you this week with a poll for the ugliest dress at the Oscars.
Melissa Leo vs Nicole Kidman:





Is napkin couture in these days??